What is the link between an emotional emptiness and an addiction? This question should definitely interest you. But, first of all, what do you think is an addiction? Addiction is a feeling of powerful lack. A ” painful ” need that needs to be satisfied. It is also a lack in us that we seek to fill from the outside. Once found this thing outside, it is indispensable to us and we are dependent on it!
This becomes necessary not to say vital. We only think about it, it haunts us! There are different forms of dependence: sport, sex, food …, it is an addiction, a drug more or less hard.
If this lack is emotional, sentimental or sexual, we need to find someone who can best fill this gap.
It seems perfectly legitimate to want to get rid of your suffering, only here, a romantic relationship is NOT made to fill a void in us!
Seeking to Fill an Emotional Void…
The one and only solution to get rid of an addiction is to go see in our own unconscious, this lack. More exactly, to see the idea that we have of this lack.
It is perfectly illusory to live fully happy by using each other to fill his voids. Yet this can even happen without our knowledge if we are not aware ourselves that our motivation to get in touch is to fill a void.
And it is in this that relationships are excessively effective and growing for us because love and dependence have nothing to do and you’ll know very quickly what your relationship is! It’s a question of time…
Emotional Emptiness Generates Dependence…
The dependency is in us, not outside of us, if you consider that the other has the role of filling your void and thus making you happy, then you are waiting for that same person to do something to you! To fill your void or your lack. It is impossible, of course, since it is in you and not outside. The other will do everything he can; it will never be enough to fill your void!
Moreover, it means that your happiness depends on someone else! And if your happiness depends on this someone, then you need him?
You are at this moment dependent and your happiness no longer belongs to you. If the other gives you what you expect, you are happy, if he or she does not give it to you, then you are unhappy …
Suddenly, “the other becomes both your breath of air, your balance, the reason for your happiness and at the same time your worst enemy and the reason for your suffering! ”
And you will easily see that we have not spoken once of love so far !!!
The search for something in the other and finding in the other what temporarily fills us is NOT love but dependence! This is the very big difference: Dependence creates this attachment that we confuse with love. It has nothing to do with it. !
In the light of things, “the difference is enormous, and yet it takes a minimum of work on oneself to make that distinction. Dependence is motivated by fear, not love. ”
Obviously, only experiences allow us to check if our relationships are motivated by love or dependence (need to fill a void, a lack, a loneliness …) because indeed, we ourselves may not notice it !!
Take into consideration the fact that “if your relationships go wrong, start by checking whether your own intention before starting this relationship was motivated by love or whether, consciously or unconsciously, you were not trying to fill something. ”
Your relationship must surely have gone on as long as this emptiness was filled until one day or another ceased (at least that’s how you interpreted it) to fill your void.
And that’s normal, again, the other is not there for that! The attachment to something or someone is to want to own, hold or maintain something or someone because it fills us, helps us or fills us (fill the void). It is, therefore, to maintain “fear of losing” and not by “love of the other” !!
Be quiet, you will know quickly if you are in a relationship for love or if you are out of dependence. Love lasts, while addiction hurts. It is then the resistance to pain that makes the duration of the relationship…!!
The Power of Dependence on Us!
Thus, this lack is compensated and filled by the other, such a drug. But inevitably, and especially after the more fusional period of relationship starts, comes the moment when the effects of drugs fade. The euphoria of the beginning of the relationship gets drunk and we end up falling back on what we were trying to compensate desperately and/or unconsciously from the beginning: Our dependence and the suffering it gives us.
The other then becomes responsible for this suffering since he was responsible for our happiness …
Without awareness of these mechanisms, separation is inevitable or, in some situations, we will eventually convince ourselves that life together is so made!
In truth, “if in your relationships you know love as well as its opposite, i.e. hostility, emotional violence, etc., then it is very likely that you would confuse love and attachment with ego, love and emotional dependence. It is impossible for you to love your partner at one time and attack him the next moment. Eckhart Tolle.
This is obviously not loving, and I wish you much better! This is a life of dependence and fear. It is also resignation to true happiness to two. It’s attachment, the habit of the other.
Guilt may also be there. “With all that he or she did for me, I cannot do that to him” or “he or she needs me, I cannot do this to him” or for image problems ” I cannot afford, what are we going to say “etc … Of attachment, of pity, of compassion, of guilt, of shame, of fear… Here is part of what can cause an emotional void that has been mismanaged into addiction. […]
Anyway, not love, neither for oneself nor for the other !!! But it is difficult also because, in these moments, one tends to think of good times. Yes, of course, there have been good times and surely there are still some, of course … That said, if you are really honest with yourself, would not these good times be fewer than the bad ones? ?!
You can also be part of couples who “love” only after the arguments … The reconciliation under the pillow. Since love is no more, we must find reasons to make the relationship last. Sex can be a very good reason…
Anyway, all these examples come from dependence and not from love, from fear and not from love.
The Psychology of Addiction
ECKHART TOLLE, in his book “Putting into practice the power of the present moment” N ° 4 tells us: Every dependence is born of an unconscious refusal to face one’s own suffering and to live it.
In another way: Dependence is a lack in us that we seek to fill through the other.
A wise question opens to us: Why do we seek so much to fill the other with this emptiness or lack?
Just because it’s scary! Fear of whom, we do not know, but it’s scary. It’s irrational and unconscious, it’s a fear. This cannot be explained rationally, with logic and reason. It’s a sensation, a powerful emotion. “Yet the one and the only way to stop addiction is to find out what makes us addicted and therefore to visit that emptiness within us! ”
Our dependence will be definitively over as soon as we know how to give ourselves what we are looking for outside.
In such a circumstance: the help of a therapist is often necessary …
The more we put consciousness on our dependencies and the less we find ourselves in these “uncomfortable” situations that we have generated ourselves. This process is growing in us, allowing us to “see” it more clearly.
So, the more we put consciousness on ourselves and the less we suffer, the happier we are!
Romantic relationships are therefore not the cause of so much torment and suffering. Romantic relationships merely bring to light the lack and suffering already present in us. And rather than wanting to face them and to resolve them, we seek in a more or less unconscious way to deny them and/or avoid them.
All addictions are born and end in pain! We are not in heaven, we are on the planet Earth and on this planet we have to “grow”, to “raise” ourselves, to be more conscious and happier…
Dependency Relationships to Love Relationships
An enlightened relationship is, therefore, a relationship of love. Everyone is responsible for themselves emotionally speaking. Neither person seeks to fill the void of the other or to compensate or fill his own void.
Instead, there is a contribution. Both people love each other and as such, contribute to the relationship they create together.
It’s unconditional love:
– “I like what we create together”
– “I do not love you because you give me something, I love you because I blossom in our relationship”
– “You are not responsible for my happiness, I am the person in charge of my happiness that I share with you”
– “You are fulfilled, I am fulfilled and together we create a third entity that is the relationship in which we flourish”
– “I like what we become together beyond who we are”
When you have become aware of your emptiness and have enlightened your dependence: “There is no dependence here but full acceptance of who the other is without looking for or changing it. Without trying to make it to his image. ”
There is also no fear of losing the other because it is impossible to flourish next to someone who is unhappy. The best thing we can do in the name of our love is to leave this relationship so that everyone can continue to flourish.
And you will be happy to make her happy because you love her. You cannot force someone to love you ?!
It is a process of growth; each relationship allows us to put more awareness on ourselves. The following relationships are all the more beautiful.
Moreover, the separation is only a change of “form” of a relationship that can perfectly be done in love. Do not you know some people who always love their old partner and with whom everything goes well?
Only dependence and the fear of losing something puts us in these states of intense sadness or even violence according to the case. They are caused by the fear of emptiness, the feeling that the other takes something from us, betrayal… The addiction stops by force and it hurts…! At this point, the other is identified as being responsible for this pain.
“However, the only responsible person is absolutely not the other but our dependence on each other. And that belongs to us. ”
What does this ultimately change: Your love? No, you still love yourself as a person. The presence? No, nothing and no one forbids you to see you. Make love together? In the absolute no longer if you are deeply clear with yourself and with each other and that making love is not a way for you to make up for a void.
So, the only thing that really changes is the “shape” of the relationship: You love each other, without living with and without making plans for “romantic relationship” but only projects of “human relationship”. So you keep what works, namely your mutual love, and you stop the “form” (romantic relationship) that does not fully fill you. You then transform it into a friendly, professional, sexual, human, relational, sports, festive … What part of you that hinders?
There are tons of forms of relationships, nothing is white or black, let your relationships be born on their own.
The more we are ourselves, in consciousness, and the more we attract the equivalent in the other: Another person herself and conscious.
Thus, “the love of two would not it be an alliance of two people conscious of who they are, free of their emotions and autonomous in their happiness, contributing by acts and an intention of love, to the success of the relationship they form to two ??? ”
Acceptance of the Addiction
Dependency is, therefore, an injury or suffering that will stop when we are able to recognize them in ourselves and accept them fully without seeking to compensate or fill them by another person.
Human relations (and even more in love relationships), have the virtue of showing us what we do not see, by pressing where it hurts! If it hurts, it’s because it’s unconscious. If it were conscious, it would not reach us.
Presence to ourselves, being present and including everything that is “allows us to welcome emotions and therefore our fears. This exercise (not simple) of observation and presence allows emerging our true motivations.
And yes, by digging the “why” to enter into a relationship, we inevitably fall on our lacks, our fears that you sought to fill ”
This is a great opportunity to make peace with them and ourselves because once the light is on them; we do not seek to fill them. They will be welcomed and accepted. The following love experiences will never be the same and some rehearsal patterns will end here too!
Ending one’s emotional dependence is quite possible since it is only a question of presence, of unconsciousness and ego.
In other words, once aware of one’s own shortcomings and at peace with them, the meeting of the other takes on a whole new dimension!
And when it is the case, “the other is no longer there to make you happy, since you already are! ”
– Everything we need is in us.
– Being dependent is no longer responsible for his happiness.
– Dependence creates this attachment that we confuse with love.
– Dependence is motivated by fear and not by love.
– Any addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and live with one’s own suffering.
– Our dependence will be definitively over from the moment we will be able to give ourselves what we are looking for outside.
– All addictions are born and end in pain.
– Emotional dependence is a matter of unconsciousness and ego.
Dependence stops the day we are able to look within ourselves, our fears, our lacks and thus recognize our personal completeness. As long as it’s not done, we look outside for what we fill! Well, that, it’s in vain!
“We must be the only person who can give us love. In the sense that our happiness is not dependent on someone else. ”
You must know it: Dependency leads inexorably to oneself and forces us to be more conscious.
If we were to be alone, our love for ourselves would be big enough to fully fill us.
Stop making a mistake about it: “sex has never been a solution or an ideal way or remedy to fill an emotional void. As ephemeral as sex, it is utopian to attach to sexual pleasure with a partner for supposedly fill an emotional void. (Thomson Dablemond).